Daily Resolutions for Caring for my Mom Who Has Dementia

Today I resolve to care for Mom.

I will do this by remembering that few of her thoughts and actions exist separate from her dementia, which is compounded by her pain, and her anxiety, and thus she deserves care, forgiveness, and patience even when a behavior is repeated over and over. This is also true if she promises to stop but doesn’t; and

I resolve to be fully present to make her life as rich as possible, counting the day a victory for its moments of peace and pleasure; this means not showing up with a list of things I want to accomplish that day, counting my day as lost and indirectly blaming her if I don’t do them; and

I resolve to anticipate her needs as much as possible, and to explain what I am doing to help her feel comfortable. This means being vigilant about her triggers and taking reasonable steps to avoid them; and

I resolve to, as much as possible, remove my impatience and embarrassment from the equation in public and in private, instead working each moment with her; and

I resolve to protect her dignity in what I say, do, and write, in conversations public and private; and

I resolve to ask for help with her most challenging behaviors and conditions, and I resolve to graciously accept the help that is offered even when I have not asked; and in doing so,

I resolve to be her stalwart advocate.

I resolve to help her find joy in each day, by meeting her where she is in time and space, and asking her about her life and experiences, and sharing with her the memories I have that she can no longer access; this includes keeping Ben and Ellie, Ted and Pat, Rainy and other family and friends alive for her through our conversations, pictures, and letters; 

I resolve to be honest with her, and not use her poor memory as a way to trick or mislead her, taking care to be gentle with uncomfortable truths; and 

I resolve to care for the caregiver “airplane style,” by taking steps to protect my energy and my good spirits; and to be aware of the needs of her support team, understanding the balance that allows everyone to be their best selves in relationship with her; and  

I resolve to capture opportunities to be healthy – by taking brisk walks together, by making good food choices and by using available time to advance my work, my health, and my hobbies; and 

I resolve that when I fall short of these expectations, I will forgive myself, reset, and start anew.